Mighty & Whole by Deana Collins

Issue 152

In May of 2021 I drove 1,045 miles to New Mexico to confront Joe Lopez, the man who molested me when I was a little girl.

I drove to give myself the time and space to be consumed by all that had happened. I drove to allow my voice no restriction in volume as I recited my truth. It felt freeing and righteous.

I stayed in the town he lived in for 2 nights before confronting him. I used my time to just be there and see the things he saw. To see what I saw. It was there that I solidified what I would say to him.

He walked through my life and affected me. My purpose in entering his life was to do the same. I wanted to empty my plate onto his.

I drove to his work on a Thursday morning.

I drove there to tell him that I was tired of the weight and shame of knowing him. I was there to dismantle his fantasies of my compliance and define my silence.

I drove there to tell him that every ounce of my soul was screaming NO whenever he was near. That every little girl he touched was always screaming no. I carried their voices with me.

My voice was strong, my words were clear, his denials didn’t derail me but fueled me. No longer was I the little girl he convinced to be silent. Never had I felt so mighty and whole.

I brought my camera, my witness to see what I saw and tell my story.

Deana Collins (she/her) lives and works in Oakland, CA.

deanacollins.com